Post by Venomous Poison on Mar 18, 2007 0:27:55 GMT 1
THIS IS FREAKING HILLARIOUS...MY HAIR IS STAYING PUT!!!LMAO
WAX is "NOT Your Friend"
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss! How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?!)
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees ("Cold wax," yeah...right!
). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line covering the
right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP
P!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!! Vision returning, I notice
that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO!!! What have I
done???!!! Another deep breath and RRRRIIIIPPP! !! Everything is swirling
and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip...There' s no hair
on it!!! Where is the hair?!! WHERE IS THE WAX?!!!
Slowly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up...on
the toilet...
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. MY LIFE FLASHES
BEFORE ME!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. hoo-ha? Sealed shut!
Butt? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself, "please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right?! WRONG!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water! Which, by the way, DOESN'T melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain. God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely
she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter -
"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!! I
should be the joke of someone else's night!
While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax! What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream
probably woke the kids and scared the thingyens out of my friend. It's sooo
painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!! It works!!!" I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair, THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!
So, I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...Now that's funny...NOOOOTTTT!
